Feeling like an Outsider

20:27

I always struggle being at uni, I miss home and most of all I miss Greg. I don't feel like I can be open and I've probably spent way too much time in my own company because right now, I feel so alone in. So alone, even, in my own house. 



I felt the same way last year too, when I lived in halls with people I didn't particular get along with. But then you'd expect to be on your own and feel alone because you don't like the people. I spent the majority of the time by myself. I found it difficult to become friends with them and to get on with them. 

But this year was different, I was living with people who are my friends and I'm living with my best friend. When we all moved in, I was the only one with a boyfriend, but one who is long distance - so it's not like I can see him 24/7 (and even if I could, I wouldn't). I had time for everyone and had them around to stop me from feeling as lonely with out Greg around. 

I, now, feel like I'm looking after everyone else and there's no one around for me. I'm currently shut away in my room, like usual, because everyone else is always too busy with their significant others. (I know I'm sounding like a jealous bitch!) 

In fact, my best friend is practically living with her boyfriend now, pretty much since they started going out (again I'm sounding like a jealous bitch, I'm sorry). Now, I only see her once a week. She seems to forget about me too, even though I'm always there for her . She always seems to forget that I exist. I feel like I've lost her to him and I'm too chicken to say anything! (I blame the anxiety). 

I am so very happy for her, don't get me wrong! She deserves it after everything she's been through but seeing them together, constantly third wheeling them, feels like a big slap in the face and I find it very very difficult! Especially currently, as I'm really struggling with not being able to see Greg (and I know it's going to get worse next year after he graduates and gets a job). I've still got a little while until I can see him again. 

Having both of my housemates always with their partners in our house, hurts. They go on double dates and I feel left out. I feel rude when I just sit with my door shut watching trash TV, not wanting to be all happy and chatty and seeing them all the time. I struggle to make friends and I'm scared I'm going to come across as a bitch to them and lose them all. 

I know I'm being really silly and that it's the anxiety whispering in my ear, but I'm too tired to fight it off right now. I wish I could be more open about it and be more honest with them. I know even if they asked me how I was I'd pretend everything was okay and that makes me so sad. But at the same time, I can't bring myself to admit that it's not. 

But instead here's me, wallowing in self pity and rambling on my blog. I guess it's one step further in admitting things aren't okay and that I'm struggling, right? 
xx

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