An Anxious Mind


I suffer from anxiety. 
I can go days feeling "normal" and "okay" and others it creeps up on me. 10 billion negative, irrational thoughts race through my head, making me believe everyone hates me. I'm become so aware of everything around me, that I create scenarios in my head, believing they are true. Thoughts I believed were normal for a very long time. I overcompensate, I apologise for things that I don't need to apologise for, I panic. I panic and worry over a small change in my body, a small pain. I have IBS, I get acid reflux, I have asthma. I'm on many different types of drugs. I can't sleep a whole night through and then I wake up tired. I sit in my room, crying to myself, late at night and pretend to everyone else that I'm fine. I feel like a different person, I don't recognise myself and that's scary. 
I find it difficult to admit when I'm struggling. 
I read another blog post What Anxiety Actually Is, Because It's More Than 'Just Worrying' and I realised that I could identify every single thing Kirsten had written about, in myself. It's kind of scary, kind of expected.  

I'm back at uni, after four weeks at home, ready for semester two. I'm spending the first night back, alone in the house as the others are staying the night with their significaI know that I won't be able to write this post without some tears - as I'm writing I can feel that dreading lump in my throat! It's probably anxiety too. But I'm doing this for me, more than anything. To write down how I feel and I'm struggling!!! 

There's something about being back, that makes me feel anxious. I feel out of place, out of my comfort zone and feel like I don't student life very well. It's probably my anxiety talking, trying to tell me to run away! The goodbye's never get any easier - I miss home! I miss the cats, I miss my room, I miss my bed! I miss my mum, the car and I miss Greg. I know I'll see him soon, but having him around is a calming influence. I seem to forget about everything when I'm with him - he's my safe place. Home is my safe place. 

Here, I feel like I look after everyone else and there's no one looking after me. I find it very difficult to make friends and like I said before, I end up over compensating and go a bit OTT just to try and fit in. I suffer in silence, I let people do things that I know I should've said no to - I should've been stronger, but couldn't bring myself to say it. I let people walk over me and I don't say anything about it. Because I lost my school friends, so I say nothing and put on a smile and pretend everything is okay. I even say nothing to Greg sometimes, though I should. 

Right now, it's the next day - and I'm hiding in my room, because there's the pang of nervousness about seeing people in my house. I feel like I'm being a bitch because I'm ignoring people, I know I'm being rude, but I don't know what to say to people. It was fine before Christmas - I mean I was getting a bit stressed out by exams, but not feeling like this.  I love my degree, I want my degree but I don't want to be here! I don't seem to do well with the change of environments! I'm not sure what to do or how to make myself feel better. I'm worrying I'll fall into the same cycle I did last year - I won't let that happen but I'm worrying. I've got a hospital appointment tomorrow and no one to go with me - I hate hospitals. The goodbyes are always hard, every time but usually I wake up and feel better. Not today. Everything feels too much, like the walls and ceiling are closing in squishing me into a box. 

I know it'll get better but right now, I'm struggling. 
The raw, honest truth. This is me. 


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