Think, Thought, Thunk...


Two posts in one day! 
It's 8pm and I'm sat in Greg's garden, just by the pond, watching all the goldfish swim round and round. I wonder if they know that they are swimming around the same pond every day or whether they think that they are discovering somewhere new each time the swim to the other side. The birds are still chirping happily and although it's not as bright, the sun is still shining. There's a little bit of a breeze blowing and I'm a little bit chilly! I'm not wearing a cardigan over my dress (oops - maybe I should go and get one!) I can faintly hear the sound of Greg practising with his mate, Matt, for their upcoming gig on Saturday (to which I'm going and hoping that it won't rain!) 

Yesterday was the first day of summer - it started off cold and rainy, but turned into a beautiful day! I can imagine that the bride at yesterday's wedding, woke up feeling full of dread that the best day of her life was going to be ruined by the rain (especially as we were serving a bbq buffet). I can also imagine that she had tears of joy when the sun decided to break through the cloud and turn what started off as a very gloomy day, into a brilliant, beautiful one! 

I've moved indoors and now I can just hear the sound of the clock ticking. It was getting a little too chilly for my liking outside, plus there were swarms of midges beginning to gather and I really don't want to get bitten to death. I'm using Greg's laptop, which has a second screen - only that has just stopped working, it seems, after making some strange noises! And I don't want to fiddle around with it as I might break it and he might think that it was my fault! It definitely wasn't! I didn't touch it, I promise! 

I'm not really sure where this blog post is headed. I was just sat outside, thinking, and I wanted to blog. I don't really know what about, as you can probably tell by how rambly this already is! But it was so peaceful outside, I was just left alone with my thoughts. 

Sometimes, that's a bad thing. Having anxiety means that being alone with my thoughts can cause it all to spiral and suddenly I'm thinking that everyone dislikes me and that I'm lonely. I know this isn't the case and I have to keep telling myself that it isn't, as this is what caused me to lose all my friends a few years ago. 

The anxiety got worse and I shut myself away, even though what I wanted more than anything was to be around my friends. It really showed me who and who wasn't there for me. Those friendships that you thought would last a lifetime, suddenly vanishing into thin air, to the point where you no longer talk anymore, not even to say hello. It felt like I had lost everything. All that I did seemed to be wrong, I couldn't do anything right. I had six/seven panic attacks a day. I couldn't sit in an audience anymore, I couldn't sit in the assembly hall at school, I couldn't sit through classes. I hated it! The worst panic attack happened during a concert that I was playing in. I was playing piccolo, fairly important part as well. I thought I was going to be sick, I was shaking, I had a hot flush, I could hear anything, the room was spinning, I felt faint, I just wanted to cry and run off the stage. I didn't feel okay one little bit. It wasn't just the nerves of performing, I'd done many performances, I knew what those nerves felt like. Once we'd finish the performance (I made myself stay!) I ran off and broke.

  I shut down: shut down my thoughts, shut down communication. All the barriers and guards shot up and I'm still trying to knock some of those down even now. Though with a lot of help from Greg, those barriers are slowing shifting.

I'm not one to confront things and that's maybe part of the problem. I'm constantly being let down by certain people; we plan something in advance and then I'll get a message saying "oh sorry, I'm doing this now, can we meet at this time?"  or they'll say they do something and won't. It feels as though I make all the effort or even as if I don't actually matter - that planning something with me is just in pencil and can be changed at any moment. It seems to happen all the time, maybe I should start asking questions. I seem to make finding friends difficult, I feel like a sheep, a tag along, as if no one really wants to be my friend. I never really seem to fit anywhere. Is there something wrong with me? 

Being alone for just a little while this evening, has let me think; maybe more than I should have done, especially with how rambly this post has got. It's a splurge of my thoughts on paper! I am happy but there still feels like a cloud is looming over my head. I've come on a long way from where I was a couple of years ago, but there is still a long way to go. 

If anyone has read any of this, then thank you for staying til the end, through my waffle. I needed to get what was inside my head, out. Down onto paper. Maybe I should do more of this type of post? 


Victoria xx

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