Changes...

01:20


I was looking through old blog posts across tumblr and this blog itself and came across my first post from the 2nd June 2014, entitled New Beginnings. It was very interesting to read it back to myself and think about everything I said. It was in fact the start of changing myself for the better. I’d spent ages not looking after myself properly, not thinking forward to the future but instead living in past situations and allowing them to drag me down deeper and deeper to the point where I was having panic attacks pretty much every day.  I was so unhappy with who I was and my life at the time that I couldn’t see things the way they should’ve been and I was being drowned by my own emotions and exhaustion from being so negative. I didn’t let new adventures happen, I had changed into someone that I didn’t like and with that meant that other people also didn’t like me and as a consequence I lost some of who I thought were my closest friends. But I guess, what it actually did was show who my true friends were and who would be there to help me through the difficult times.

One of the most poignant things that was said to me, was during a counselling session, in which they said to me "it won't be the first time you get hurt and hopefully it won't be the last time - we need these experiences to show us the mistakes so we can learn from them and move on.” Now, two years later, I fully understand what they meant by it and I can see that it is so true. At the time, I couldn’t see it. I was hurting, scared and upset. I thought it would never get better – but honestly it is those experiences that help you to grow stronger as a person so that you can better yourself.

Back in June 2014, I said that I had begun to look at life more positively and that I’d begun to be much happier than I had in a long time. But I can tell you now, looking back on it, I was not happy. The situation I was in at the time was not good. After the first post things changed and I remember regretting writing the post. I was upset the majority of the time, I still wasn’t liking who I was, I hadn’t really become that much more comfortable with myself and I was definitely not looking at things from a new perspective and looking at the positives. The person who meant the world to me at the time I wrote the post wasn’t talking to me properly anymore. So I began to use apps such as fling and snapchat to start talking to other people and somewhat ‘messing’ around in a way to sort of distract myself and take myself away from what I was feeling. It did the trick for a little while.

That summer was difficult; I used tumblr to express how I was feeling in private, anonymously so that no one would know that it was actually me, behind the sad posts and the unhappiness. As I look back now, I can’t honestly believe that it was me, behind the sadness and the blackness of the blog. It upsets me to think that I was that upset, I shut down and only showed how I was feeling through that. It’s crazy to think how far I really have come to be the person I am right now, at this current point in time.

It wasn’t until the end of August/ beginning of September where things really did start to improve for me. Since then I have been so much better and improving every single day ever since that moment.

   Someone had asked me back then 'Have you ever thought that if you tried to look for the good things, you might be happier? And wouldn't get upset by every little detail?'  I can say that now, I do tend to look more for the good things and it is making me happier. Though, I still get upset by the little details and I take them to heart quite often. I get panic attacks occasionally and nowhere near as much as I did back then. I can now control them and I know what to do to calm myself down. Sometimes one appears out of the blue and they can be quite debilitating at times, as I have no idea where it’s come from. But they have definitely improved!! Of course, there are still times when I still think I’m awful and rubbish at everything, where I look negatively at things, but It’s getting there.

  Now I'm in a whole new territory, trying to find my feet – I’m living in Chichester, studying music at University. My first year is almost over and soon I’ll have moved out of halls and into the little house that we’re renting for second year. When I think back to where I was two years ago and look to where I am now, I realise just how far I have come. Back then, if people took the slightest bit of time to reply to a text, I would become paranoid and text them saying 'do you hate me? what have I done?' or if someone jokingly sent me a text calling me something rude, I'd believe them and sit for hours thinking it over. Two years ago, I was a mess - four panic attacks every day, feeling like crap and not wanting to do much. But now despite a few days where I’m stressed and feeling sad, it seems the majority of the time I'm really good and feeling sad lasts a couple of hours and then I'm back to normal. I can talk more openly about how I’m feeling and it really does make a huge difference to be able to share some of the load.

It’s honestly incredible to see such a difference in myself. And of course, with a little help from my friends (and boyfriend in particular), I’ve managed to get myself firmly grounded and in a much better place than I was.




Here’s to the future and all the exciting things to come my way!!

Love,
 Victoria xx

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