I was looking through old blog posts across tumblr and this blog
itself and came across my first post from the 2nd June 2014,
entitled New Beginnings. It was very interesting to read it back to myself and
think about everything I said. It was in fact the start of changing myself for
the better. I’d spent ages not looking after myself properly, not thinking
forward to the future but instead living in past situations and allowing them
to drag me down deeper and deeper to the point where I was having panic attacks
pretty much every day. I was so unhappy
with who I was and my life at the time that I couldn’t see things the way they
should’ve been and I was being drowned by my own emotions and exhaustion from
being so negative. I didn’t let new adventures happen, I had changed into
someone that I didn’t like and with that meant that other people also didn’t
like me and as a consequence I lost some of who I thought were my closest
friends. But I guess, what it actually did was show who my true friends were
and who would be there to help me through the difficult times.
One of the most poignant things that was said to me, was during a
counselling session, in which they said to me "it won't be the first
time you get hurt and hopefully it won't be the last time - we need these
experiences to show us the mistakes so we can learn from them and move on.” Now, two years later, I fully understand
what they meant by it and I can see that it is so true. At the time, I couldn’t
see it. I was hurting, scared and upset. I thought it would never get better –
but honestly it is those experiences that help you to grow stronger as a person
so that you can better yourself.
Back in June 2014, I said that I had
begun to look at life more positively and that I’d begun to be much happier
than I had in a long time. But I can tell you now, looking back on it, I was
not happy. The situation I was in at the time was not good. After the first
post things changed and I remember regretting writing the post. I was upset the
majority of the time, I still wasn’t liking who I was, I hadn’t really become
that much more comfortable with myself and I was definitely not looking at
things from a new perspective and looking at the positives. The person who
meant the world to me at the time I wrote the post wasn’t talking to me
properly anymore. So I began to use apps such as fling and snapchat to start
talking to other people and somewhat ‘messing’ around in a way to sort of
distract myself and take myself away from what I was feeling. It did the trick for
a little while.
That summer was difficult; I used
tumblr to express how I was feeling in private, anonymously so that no one
would know that it was actually me, behind the sad posts and the unhappiness.
As I look back now, I can’t honestly believe that it was me, behind the sadness
and the blackness of the blog. It upsets me to think that I was that upset, I
shut down and only showed how I was feeling through that. It’s crazy to think
how far I really have come to be the person I am right now, at this current
point in time.
It wasn’t until the end of August/
beginning of September where things really did start to improve for me. Since
then I have been so much better and improving every single day ever since that
moment.
Someone had asked me back then 'Have you ever
thought that if you tried to look for the good things, you might be happier?
And wouldn't get upset by every little detail?' I can say that
now, I do tend to look more for the good things and it is making me happier.
Though, I still get upset by the little details and I take them to heart quite
often. I get panic attacks occasionally and nowhere near as much as I did back
then. I can now control them and I know what to do to calm myself down.
Sometimes one appears out of the blue and they can be quite debilitating at
times, as I have no idea where it’s come from. But they have definitely
improved!! Of course, there are still times when I still think I’m awful and
rubbish at everything, where I look negatively at things, but It’s getting
there.
Now I'm in a whole new
territory, trying to find my feet – I’m living in Chichester, studying music at
University. My first year is almost over and soon I’ll have moved out of halls
and into the little house that we’re renting for second year. When I think back
to where I was two years ago and look to where I am now, I realise just how far
I have come. Back then, if people took the slightest bit of time to reply to a
text, I would become paranoid and text them saying 'do you hate me? what have I
done?' or if someone jokingly sent me a text calling me something rude, I'd
believe them and sit for hours thinking it over. Two years ago, I was a mess -
four panic attacks every day, feeling like crap and not wanting to do much. But
now despite a few days where I’m stressed and feeling sad, it seems the
majority of the time I'm really good and feeling sad lasts a couple of hours
and then I'm back to normal. I can talk more openly about how I’m feeling and
it really does make a huge difference to be able to share some of the load.
It’s honestly incredible to
see such a difference in myself. And of course, with a little help from my
friends (and boyfriend in particular), I’ve managed to get myself firmly
grounded and in a much better place than I was.
Here’s to the future and
all the exciting things to come my way!!
Love,
Victoria xx
