Been a while...


I haven't really known what to write for ages nor do I really know what to write now, which means the majority of this will just be a load of waffle and me rambling on for ages about some small unnecessary detail. 
I wish I could write as eloquently as others who keep blogs and think of interesting things to write about, but in all honesty, I currently have a pretty boring life. The majority of it being centred around school and exams something which I'm not very good at. Well not anymore anyway. Because of the time of year, exam stress is beginning to get to me and in some ways, I'm allowing the panic and the anxiety fill me again. In comparison to last year, it is more under control, in the way that I can stop myself from feeling so awful and divert from the panic. I no longer suffer from it as severely as I did last year but I know it's still there rumbling around and I know that it'll probably still be there for the rest of my life. As long as I can keep it under control, I think it will be just fine. 
The one thing about me though. is that I struggle to speak up when I'm struggling. It's such a bad habit that I've got myself into that I just suffer in silence rather than just letting someone know that I'm not coping very well. And if someone tries to make me speak about it, I will insist there is nothing wrong, sit there in silence and let the tears flow.

I push it all into a box so I don't really have to think about it, which is completely the wrong way to deal with things. I can make my brain go numb and stop all thoughts so I don't have to face the things that hurt me or that make me look weak. The worst thing is not knowing how to feel or even how I feel. I'll just feel numb, angry and sad all at the same time and the only thing I can do is cry. Then I'll feel stupid because I'm crying for a stupid reason and the little tiny things will have gotten to me when they shouldn't have done. I don't remember ever being like this before and I'm not sure what has made me so susceptible to crying. It's a mindset that I know I have to change. I know I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut, when it's the right time to say something and when to get rid of the things that don't help me at all. I'm sometimes incapable of forming coherent sentences (well maybe most of the time) and it takes about five repeats of what I've said before I understand what I'm trying to say - let alone other people trying to understand me. 

As I guessed at the beginning, it's ended up being a ramble of my life XD whoops! 

Victoria xx

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