Feeling Disheartened


Do you ever want to just give up and not carry on working for something? Feeling sad and disheartened by things that you want so badly but just seem out of your reach and you're falling at every hurdle. Well that's how I feel at the moment. I just typed out this blog post the first time around and now I'm having to rewrite it because it didn't save the other one. Also my phone decided to delete it from the clipboard as I'd copied it from my notes before onto here which was ever so useful - NOT!! 

Even before I've actually rewritten this blog post, I already want to give up on it. I've written it once already, why should I write it again and publish it for the world to see. Why do I even have a blog I don't know if anyone has the spare time to take to sit and read through my ramblings. I begin so many posts but actually abandon them because I don't know who would actually read them if I did post it. I have such a bad mindset it's ridiculous. I know I've already done a post on failure but that was to try and make me feel better - I'm actually rubbish at moving on from something. 

The main reason I feel disheartened at the moment is because of the many rejection emails I'm getting from my auditions at the music colleges, I know I've only had two but it's the same principle. I know I am up against incredible musicians from everywhere gat are clearly better than me but it doesn't stop me from feeling sad when I don't get a place. My dream is to go to a music college - it's where I want to go for university! I want to become a professional flautist but at the moment it doesn't look like that will be happening. I know I'm already writing it off despite still have four more to go but it just feels like every place will turn me down. Especially after tonight's flute lesson (well yesterday's but I haven't been to sleep yet so it still counts). We did an intense lesson on Fauré's Fantasie which happens to be the audition piece for the Royal College of Music which is the one I want to go to!! Everything jus seemed to be going wrong! I wanted to cry when I came out and it stresses me out even more. I know I can try again but I want to go there so badly it's kinda ridiculous although I know full well there are other flautist much better than me who would also like a place. I won't be the only one who's had a rejection. Plus each college is looking for something different. Ahh well - if all else fails I'll join my friend Lydia in Chichester. 

The first time happened when I found out I got a D in performance at Music AS which I didn't understand! How could someone with Grade 8 practical music on the flute get a grade D is performance! I felt awful like someone had smacked me round the face with a wet fish. Was I really that bad at playing the flute? Why was I trying to get into the conservatoires? I just wanted to give up there and then - there was no point the examiner thought I was rubbish so what's a panel full of professional musicians going to think? I didn't know what to do other than cry. 

Being rejected by the Essex Youth Orchestra too when I really wanted the place made me upset. I can't be too sad as I'm still in Essex Young People's Orchestra - but I wanted to spend the courses with my boyfriend and my friends. Hmm... 

Yet again I am ill. I just want to feel well again, I'm fed up of being sick all the time. Tonsillitis and sinusitis this time. Another course of antibiotics for me then YIPPEE!!? Not to mention missing my doctors appointment last Friday - I slept right through it. 

School for once is going okay. I'm not too bad with that yet! I just don't want it to get like it did last year where I did just give everything up and practically ruin it all! I suppose as long as I voice when I'm struggling it won't get bad and people will be there to help me. 

Everything is just so busy at the moment. My boyfriend is busy and lives qute a way away so everytime we meet up it has to be carefully planned rather than just texting saying "do you want to meet up tonight?" And not going to lie, I get quite jealous of his best mate for being able to that. The amount of times I just want a hug but have to wait a long time is ridiculous. I can't complain though - especially after the year we've had. This time three months ago you wouldn't have thought we'd be together now. Ask any of my friends and they'll be able to tell you. We weren't talking and I was crying the whole time. It's crazy how things can change. But that's another story. 

Small things are getting to me and are annoying me and that's not fun. I know they shouldn't and that I'm in control blah blah blah but doesn't stop me from feeling that way. SUCH A BAD MINDSET VICTORIA STOP! If something annoys me, it'll continue to annoy me and I won't be able to shake it off - it'll stick to me like glue. Hmm...

But I guess it's part of life. The same with having to work hard at things and wanting to give up. Life is all about competing to be at the top - especially if I want to be a musician! 

Victoria xx


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